Expect Less, Pay More

Maybe..

2007-06-22T01:41:18Z

I’m strong
But I break
I’m stubborn
And I make plenty of mistakes
Yeah I’m hard
And life with me is never easy
To figure out, to love
I’m jaded but oh so lovely
All you have to do is hold me
And you’ll know and you’ll see just how sweet it can be
If you’ll trust me, love me, let me
Maybe, maybe

Someday
When we’re at the same place
When we’re on the same road
When it’s okay to hold my hand
Without feeling lost
Without all the excuses
When it’s just because you love me, you let me, you need me
Then maybe, maybe
All you have to do is hold me
And you’ll know and you’ll see just how sweet it can be
If you’ll trust me, love me, let me
Maybe, maybe

I’m confusing as hell
I’m north and south
And I’ll probably never have it all figured out
But what I know is I wasn’t meant to walk this world without you
And I promise I’ll try
Yeah I’m gonna try to give you every little part of me
Every single detail you missed with your eyes
Then maybe
Maybe, yeah maybe

One day
We’ll meet again and you’ll need me, you’ll see me completely
Every little bit
Oh yeah maybe you’ll love me, you’ll love me then

I don’t want to be tough
And I don’t want to be proud
I don’t need to be fixed and I certainly don’t need to be found
I’m not lost
I need to be loved
I just need to be loved
I just want to be loved by you and I won’t stop ‘cause I believe
That maybe, yeah maybe
Maybe, yeah maybe

I should know better than to touch the fire twice
But I’m thinking maybe, yeah maybe you might

Maybe, love maybe

Another year has gone by...

2007-06-15T04:11:54Z

Not only is that a terrible Celine Dion song title reference (which is sad enough in itself that I actually KNOW that), it is a frightening realization that not a whole lot has changed since I last posted here 364 days ago - exactly 52 weeks to the day.

Hi everyone!

autonutt @ 2005-12-14T21:26:00

2005-12-15T05:37:12Z

Damn alibi is GONE!

So now that school is indeed out for me forever.. theoretically I should have time to actually go out with friends, clean my apartment, play video games, and finish all my projects and half-completed tasks... so why do I find myself hanging out BY MYSELF in the candlelight DOING NOTHING?!?

I suppose work could still be an alibi.. being that my schedule is variously early, swing and graveyard whenever my managers see fit.. but lately I have had a pretty set routine. Another alibi could be Christmas shopping.. but the evidence proving I have barely started is plainly evident in my apartment.

A dear friend of mine told me a few weeks ago that the advent of my graduation would force me to stop avoiding living my life.. that struck me deeply then, and now a week later I am really starting to wonder how to revive the part of my life that seems to have died years ago.

The End of an Era..

2005-12-09T07:44:01Z

Ok, so tonight I am sitting in my living room, in front of my computer, realizing that today is life-changing for two reasons: First, I completed my final paper and presentation for my very last college class today, meaning that I am now officially a COLLEGE GRADUATE! And, second, I'm actually POSTING to my LJ!

It seems almost anticlimactic that something I have worked so hard for the past 4-5 years (and that's just my time at the University.. never mind the 6+ years I was at JC) is finally over, and I can't go out to celebrate because I have to be back at work in 6 hours. :(

My mind is completely cloudy with uncertainty -- not sure what I will do with it now that I have achieved it, and now what excuse could I possibly have not to hang out with my friends, come in to work when called, or drive out to visit my mom more often? Damn alibi is GONE!

Anyway, I am in a very contemplative mood tonight, but at the same time am filled with the hope that something better will soon come of my life, both professionally and personally. :)

Why do I never use this thing?

2005-05-17T21:59:13Z

I find it amusing that I have had this LJ for ages and have probably made 5 entries.. life is so ridiculously busy! I was driving aimlessly yesterday and started thinking about a friend's revelation about his new daily obsession with reading "blogs" online, and I wondered how it is possible for people to chronicle their lives so openly, honestly and frequently? I mean, don't get me wrong, there is plenty of time on my hands that I could probably use to do it -- driving aimlessly is obviously my alternative. But my concern is probably more the content -- does anything remotely interesting actually happen to me? Do I want everyone who knows me (and the millions of others who don't) to actually read about the mediocre things that do happen? And why would they want to?

I realized that my life is extraordinarily fragmented -- I have specific groups of friends, whom I generally interact with individually (if I see them at all) and many of them don't intersect with each other at any point in my life. I often joke that the only time all my friends will ever get to know each other will be at my funeral. I know, it's not funny. Maybe I don't want my work friends to read about my school life, or my school acquaintances to know about my love interests, or my love interests to know about each other (LOL!! oh wait, my life isn't THAT interesting!) I went to the trouble of Googling myself the other day (hope that term isn't trademarked or they may bill me for its use) and was amazed how many of my footsteps are tracked all over the place -- every chat room, forum and food recipe site membership were there!

Anyway, I'd love to hear how other people deal with blogging their personal information on this thing, and how they motivate themselves to post multiple times a week (Andre, you are a CHAMP! Enlighten me!). I have had many requests and faced much derision in the past for not keeping this thing going, hope your suggestions and insights will help motivate me to bore you all to tears!

Have a great week!

autonutt @ 2004-08-27T17:06:00

2004-08-28T00:12:21Z

I'm supposed to be at work right now. Instead, I am sitting at home from 11am to 5pm, waiting for my property manager to inspect my smoke detectors. Which, in my opinion, means they want to enter my home without my presence or permission and peruse my belongings. Well, I am not having that. Not only did they leave a note on my door less than 24 hours ago announcing they would be here today, it is now 5:15pm and they have yet to show. I realize that property managers have the right to enter a property for any reason, but I think the tenant should have the right to have enough notice to make arrangements to be present if they choose to do so.

Anyway.. that's my rant for the day.

As for the rest of my life, not much new except this has been the suckiest school quarter of my life, and after finals on Tuesday I am looking forward to a little Fall Quarter vacation.

More later...

Long Time Gone...

2004-08-04T07:13:14Z

Wow.. seems like yesterday that I last posted here -- NOT! Why do I always forget I have a LiveJournal that I can post to and take out my aggressions and confusion in? Since I last wrote here, many changes have come about in my life, and most of them have been extremely positive. I survived Spring Quarter (and even got two A's as a result), finally found a place of my own and moved out of my admittedly co-dependent roommate situation, and as of today became the proud owner of a FUTON!

The downside is that my work life is still completely unsatisfying, graduation is still a long way away, and my Summer Quarter (which I had planned to take off, but excitedly and misguidedly registered for once I got my excellent Spring grades) is filled with unpleasant and mentally taxing classes that have absolutely nothing to do with my Major coursework.

Anyway, just thought I would update everyone -- since that's what this thing is for, after all! Hope you all have a great summer if I forget to post again until winter! :P

EAGGGGHHHH!

2004-05-03T06:57:49Z

Sunday night.. hitting the midway point of Spring Quarter and am woefully behind in homework and group project duties.. not to mention I just received a whole 5-cent raise for my past year of service at work.. some of my "best friends" have yet to acknowledge my birthday.. and it's been damn near 100 degrees here.

I'd ask if things could get any worse, but have learned to be careful what you ask for.

Let's get physical...

2004-04-25T03:10:17Z

Well, for some reason I decided today was the first day of the rest of my life, and therefore I would just grab my tennis shoes and running shorts and take a nice 4-mile run around Griffith Park this evening. After all, just over 24 months ago I completed a 26.2-mile marathon in Hawaii, and though my running gear has been collecting dust for over a year, I should have had no problem picking my running career right up where I left it.

Riiiiiiigggghhhhhht.

After huffing and puffing for 1.8 miles (which seemed like much less but felt like MUCH more), this former marathoner quickly realized that he is no longer even a WAY out-of-shape power walker. :( But at least it's a start toward a healthier me.

So, after the run was done, I did what every red-blooded sports-in-your-veins health nut would do... drove straight up to my local Del Taco for a macho burrito and caramel milkshake! :P

Well well...

2004-04-19T04:44:14Z

Here it is... the much-requested second entry to my journal! I realize I really don't utilize this thing much, which would imply that my life is so BUSY and EXCITING that I just don't have enough time in my day to share the THRILLING details of my life with you!

Alas, this is absolutely not the case.

In fact, I seem to have entered a LAZY phase of my life the past few weeks, since my Winter final exam period. In fact, between starting my new school quarter, starting to hunt for a new place to live, and possibly a new job, I find myself throwing myself listlessly in bed (alone) whenever I am not doing something that is required of me.

It has been 4 weeks into the Spring quarter and I haven't even shopped for my books -- but I have no problem purchasing endless numbers of dance CDs from Half.com lately. And I think I am having withdrawals now that my dear (but oft-neglected) friend almanzo has been taken away to Illinois.

Am I lonely? burnt-out? insane?

Yes.

Am I actually DOING this?

2004-02-04T08:35:14Z

I've had this account for several months, and here I am finally making my VERY FIRST entry! Not much of one, mind you, as I am very tired from a long day of doing... not much of anything, actually.

Let's hope future entries will be more entertaining.